For Better, For Worse, Forever.

I've wanted to write for such a long, long time... but I haven't known what to say, or where to start?  There's so much in my life, and self, that's changed in the last year.  For better, for worse, forever.

For instance, I started to write last week.  Here's what I got:

It's said, on average, that the typical male thinks about sex every seven seconds.  Well, like the masses, the male mass that is, I think in seven second increments, too.  Only thing, I'm a woman.  And, I think about autism.  (Which speaking frank, is not a turn-on.)

For instance, every seven seconds or so I wonder if my child will speak? If he'll develop functioning language, and say simple things like:

Hello. Goodbye. Mommy.

To bring you up to speed, dear reader, it's been about a year since my child's autism diagnosis.  And I must say, that on any given point, on any given day, his disability is never far from the surface of my thoughts.  And it's heartbreaking, autism.

For one, my child doesn't look impaired.  You wouldn't know at first, second, or even third glance, that behind his bright eyes, there's a little boy desperate to communicate.  Unable to communicate.

But I try to stay positive, to be proactive.  Full stop.

Now that's pretty heavy, right?

And that's what's constant churning in my head. Baby talk. And babble. Or frankly, the sad, silent lack thereof.

But my child waved on Tuesday. And there's much to be said about the person I'm becoming. A woman who by all accounts has never, until just recently, enjoyed appreciated revered the simple things.

I mean not really, that is. Not truly.

Because I now proudly revere the things I thought I'd always overlook.

Like my child waving, for instance. Talk about joy!

Bright eyes himself.  Aksel, 2 1/2 years.

Tonight was a start, in sharing again. Thank you for reading.

She Whispered, "Write."

I suppose you could say I follow my instincts.  My mother always told me to listen to my inner voice, to trust my intuition.  And I have wholeheartedly since childhood.  Or since I was perceptive enough to understand my inner self.  That I actually had one, that is.

She also told me to "never leave a drink unattended, experiment with ouija boards, or dabble in dungeons and dragons," my mother.

Pretty random, right?

But the point of all this talk leads simply to the fact that my inner voice was telling me I needed to make time for myself, to stop over-analyzing our situation, primarily Aksel's autism, and to take active control of my wellbeing.

Because at Christmas, I was a mess... a sobbing, contemplative mess.

So, I did take control.  Or have, rather.  And resulting, it's been two plus months since I've written one creative word.

Don't misunderstand though, it's not for want, or love of writing, that I stopped, it's just because my person, my inner voice said, "rest."

But today, she whispered, "write."  Out of nowhere.

So, I am.

And I respect her, my inner voice.  Because she's comprised of all the women before me.  (More on this later.)

All said, and two months later, I'm happy again!  Not to mention, 10 pounds lighter.  And my mind, most important, is alive.

Oh, and Aksel's beginning to talk, saying simple words like "apple" and "hat."  Ten weeks ago, I was afraid he never would!

By the way, we love his team of therapists!  They're incredible!

And my marriage, despite the challenges in past months, is stronger than ever... most of the time.

We actually believe that autism is a blessing... now.

I'm just happy to be writing again!

PS - I really appreciate the notes and emails I've received over the last few weeks.  And despite my silence, they've helped so much!  

Living Life in 3D

I admit, I've been...[in a rut]...lately.

Really since Aksel's diagnosis, this past summer.

But it's time now for me to move forward and accept the challenge that is autism, to take active control of my health, both my physical and mental wellbeing, because life isn't easy under the best of circumstances.  And I want, in particular, to feel clear-minded, not weighted down with negativity or sadness.  I need to be confident ~ that much stronger for my child and his developmental differences. 

So, I choose to no longer feel:

Depressed.  Defeated.  Despondent.

I guess you could say I've been living life in 3D.  Which, as it turns out, is not all it's cracked up to be.  So, don't believe the hype!

(Or pay $16 for a ticket!)

But really, I'm making positive changes.

For my child.

Because I love him more than anything!  And, I want always to be his strongest advocate. 

Who knows, moving forward, he may need someone to speak for him, if he can not?

About 25% of people with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) could be considered nonverbal... 

And I want, unquestionably, to be that person, to be prepared to accept and face the challenges, however they unfold?

For my husband.

Because he's my partner, I love him, and we're going through this journey together.  It's not any easier pretending I'm alright. 

I want to be strong for him, too.  Truly strong.

And lastly, I'm making changes for myself...

Because, it's not selfish to want to be happy in my own skin, to no longer feel anxious or overwhelmed.

But with all this talk of change and resolution, I don't personally want, at this point in the process, to take a pill to solve my problems. And that's not saying I'm against medicinally treating my symptoms of depression or anxiety.  In fact, I took Lexapro for nearly a year after giving birth to Aksel.  But in some strange way, this circumstance, autism, translates differently in my mind to that of postpartum depression.  For instance, it's never going away.  My child will always be autistic, and I'll always be, as his parent, striving to cope with the effects.  So, I can't, or don't want, rather, to seek out a temporary fix for a lifelong challenge.  Instead, I want to delve deep and truly find my inner strength.

Organically.

Naturally.

So I'm choosing, at this stage in the game, exercise as an outlet to alleviate my stress, to help me better understand my emotions.

That, coupled with a healthy dose of writing, and a more concerted effort at communication (with my husband) should help to brighten my outlook.  (It has in past weeks.)  If though, I observe no real change of mood in say three months time, I will contact my doctor for alternative options.

I realize it's okay to feel weak.  I just don't want it, the negativity, to be all-consuming anymore.

I want to embrace the positive.  For example, Aksel now hugs!

PS - Many thanks for all of your reassuring, sweet comments. They've really helped in past weeks!  Much love to you and yours ~ XO!

The {Momentary} Victor

Over the last few weeks, blogging's been low on my list of priorities. 

And I could blame my absence on the holidays, for having grandparents in town, or ya da ya da ya...

But, it just wouldn't be the truth.  

And there's really no point in pretending.  At least not here.

I mean, this is my space for truth and expression, for honesty no matter the pain... or humiliation.

So on that note, where do I begin (embarrassing myself)?  

For starters, I'm struggling to find my inner strength.  

I really am. 

It's like autism has me by the collar tight, and I'm fighting to breathe new life, new thoughts and/or ideas.  I just feel so one note...

But nothing means more though.  There's nothing weighing on my mind more great than autism.  (Will there ever be?)  And, I feel alone:  detached from myself, my family and friends, my husband...

Plus, I'm anxious.  Not to mention, hypersensitive.  Oh, and fun, what's that?

I only know the time we'll wrestle is indefinite.  Autism'll always have me pinned, because my weakness is my child.  And I hear you all loud and clear, shouting from the stands, "Be strong, Gillian.  Don't be afraid.  This doesn't define Aksel.  You're doing the right thing."

Yet, I can't look you in the eye for fear of breaking down.  For being weak, not in control.  Can you make my child speak?  Please.

It's just that at this stage in the game, autism is the victor.

So that's why I haven't been writing...

PS - I promise tomorrow's Wordless post will be upbeat and positive.

PPS - Despite my worry, which as you know I can't seem to control, Aksel's making lots of progress.

$50 Sephora e-Gift Card Results

The winner of Baby Talk without the Babble's latest giveaway is daveshir2005.  Congratulations, and enjoy your prize!

Entrants click here to verify the results of a Sephora Gift Card.

[PLEASE NOTE]  All entries were listed numerically based on the total number of submissions.  To be specific, the numeric winner of the contest was (comment) #731.

PS - All drawings conducted at random.org.

WW: Mulch Ado About Nothing

Like any two-year-old boy, my kid loves to be outside, in the dirt.  Or better yet, tasting mulch and hugging trees.

And all I can say, is I'm one lucky momma!  Happy Birthday, Aksel!

WW: A 'Big Top' Birthday, Pt 1

We celebrated our little boy's second birthday this past weekend...

As a side note, it was a circus!  No really, it was!  Here for your viewing delight, are a few shots from Aksel's 'big top' birthday bash:

Aksel's Personalized Clown Cupcake Toppers 

(HANDMADE BY YOURS TRULY)

Cake by Sweetsmith Bakery

The Birthday Boy!  (And, Party Ringmaster!)

More photos (and details) to follow shortly.  Happy Wednesday!

Jellycat {Cordy Roy} Giveaway Results

The winner of Baby Talk without the Babble's latest giveaway is Precilla.  Congratulations, and enjoy your prize!

Entrants click here to verify the results of a Jellycat Giveaway.

Now, don't miss winning my other great giveaways.

[PLEASE NOTE]  All entries were listed numerically based on the total number of submissions.  To be specific, the numeric winner of the contest was (comment) #128.

PS - All drawings conducted at random.org.

Setting the Table

After months of preparation, the circus is finally coming to town!

Really though, we're celebrating Aksel's 2nd birthday tomorrow.  And, I couldn't be more excited.  I love throwing parties!

But there's still lots to do before the guests arrive.  Wish me luck!

By the way, December feels stressful.  Anyone else in agreement?

Autism as a Teenager

So much of my life now is centered around autism.  And I'm sorry for it.  I don't mean to be negative, sound negative, or read negative...

I really do want to post about fashion.

Or politics.

Or, films.  (Because I love these topics!)

But, it's just been a terribly challenging time for me.  For my life...

And today, was especially hard.  As mother to an autistic child, I can say it was truly sobering.  (And, anxiety-evoking!)

I walked out of the hospital, the local medical university, with my husband and child, after a routine appointment this morning, to see a dark-haired teenage boy walking in our direction.  He was no more than fourteen, the boy.  And his parents, who were struggling to keep up with him, lovingly called him Speedy.

Under normal (parenting) circumstances this might be no big deal, but he was different.  He was stimming!

Again, this may seem like no big deal, but to the parent of a stimming autistic toddler... it was heartbreaking!

DON'T KNOW WHAT STIMMING IS?  CLICK HERE.

It's like we saw what our child, Aksel, might be like as a 13-year-old with autism?  And, it scared us.

Because, for the first time, we saw autism as a teenager.

I mean, our near two-year-old is really cute flapping his hands now.

Will it be cute when he's in high school though?

I, for one, don't want my child to be picked on for his differences.

I don't know if I'll have the fortitude of character to withhold expressing my emotions?

Because he'll always be my baby!  And because, I was picked on as a kid for being just a little different.

READ ANOTHER MOTHER'S STORY WITH AUTISM.

On a last closing note, Aksel's been excelling in therapy.  And despite today's encounter, my spirits are (and have been) relatively high.

I mean, the progress my boy's made in three-and-a-half months is incredible!  And I believe, early intervention is key!

Happy Holidays!

Wordless Wednesday: Pout-Pout Face

My kid's darling pout-pout face could move mountains.  It makes this mommy mush.  (i.e. He owns me!)  What about you and yours?

Happy Hump Day!

Peaceful Deer Holiday Giveaway Results

The winner of Baby Talk without the Babble's latest giveaway is Renee.  Congratulations, and enjoy your prize!

Entrants click here to verify the results of this holiday giveaway.

Now, don't miss winning my other great giveaways.

[PLEASE NOTE]  All entries were listed numerically based on the total number of submissions.  To be specific, the numeric winner of the contest was (comment) #10.

PS - All drawings conducted at random.org.